It's been an interesting kind of challenge trying to do everything over the last few weeks with only my left hand, including this blog post. so sorry in advance for the inevitable increase in typos lol.
As i said, I never really expected to be here now, or in this situation. Traveling like this has always been an idea of mine, but one that I thought might never actually be realized. This trip has been unexpected and different in so many ways and it has taught me so many things. Now here i sit injured and stationary at a time where I thought id be on a grand adventure, but i just have to take it as part of the adventure itself. I'm sitting here with an itch to leave and move on, but I must remain. It gives me time to think and write. both to think of my past and future. I find that happens to me when I stop moving. I start to think more and more of what I'm doing and where I'm going. Here I am now at a standstill in the middle of my trip wondering what it's all for. What is this about? where will it take me? These aren't questions I was preoccupied with when I was moving. I was more focused on the present. On the new places and people surrounding me daily. Now that I have a solid base of operation, and a place with people I am familiar with I am finding myself asking the same questions that I was in the states. Namely, Where am I going, where do I want to go, and am I doing everything I can to get there? I feel like every time I slow down or stop these questions resurface, and i start to think of what's next. the uncertainty can be unsettling at times, but it is simultaneously liberating if you look at it right.
When I was in Utah i was so frustrated I didn't know my future. I felt like I should know what I want to do. I felt like I was slipping behind those around me, especially from Williams who were well on their career paths. I was sitting there uncertain. My whole life, I have been told I can do whatever I want, and when I came back to Williams I really lived by that. I began to study the things that truly interested me, and enjoyed myself. I started to live life on my terms and I didn't know where that was going to take me. The freedom was intoxicating. This uncertainty that I am talking about has been both a blessing and a curse to me. We can do anything we want in this life, it's just hard to see how sometimes. When we make that realization, however, we are finally presented with something that many of us yearn for. freedom. True freedom. not the cheap bullshit they sell you in beer commercials, but the freedom to be who you want to be. To do as much or as little as you desire. the freedom to choose who you are.
This comes at a cost though, and that cost is accountability. When you see that you can do anything, you also realize the choice is yours and yours alone. This was and is hard for me. With so many choices laid out in front of me, how can I be sure I'm making the right one? How can I be sure that there wasn't something else I should do? could do? It is very easy to become overwhelmed and frozen in the face of freedom. To second guess, third guess myself. To feel the pressure of getting it right. With so many opportunities, who am I to squander what so many would work so hard for? The pressure is daunting. This is where faith comes in. For me, it comes down to faith in myself. For many of my friends it is faith in God or the universe or logic, but the key is that it comes down to faith. faith that the right thing is happening and the right thing will happen for you. I require faith in my own moral code and direction to feel like I am on the right path of the many available to me. This faith is shaken from time to time and requires constant analysis and vigilance to bolster it. This provides me with strength and weakness. When I question my path and position, it becomes hard to be confident in what I am doing. But when I know I am right I know I have found that choice through solid analysis and I am steadfast in my position. A big part of this strength comes from examining as many options available to me as possible before making my choices to see what does and does not work. If you had said that I would be spending my birthday in a foreign country with mostly people I don't know recovering from surgery I would have been surprised a yer ago. But I'm sure as hell glad I am, because I needed to see this path. Now I have to decide if I'll stay on it.
As i said, I never really expected to be here now, or in this situation. Traveling like this has always been an idea of mine, but one that I thought might never actually be realized. This trip has been unexpected and different in so many ways and it has taught me so many things. Now here i sit injured and stationary at a time where I thought id be on a grand adventure, but i just have to take it as part of the adventure itself. I'm sitting here with an itch to leave and move on, but I must remain. It gives me time to think and write. both to think of my past and future. I find that happens to me when I stop moving. I start to think more and more of what I'm doing and where I'm going. Here I am now at a standstill in the middle of my trip wondering what it's all for. What is this about? where will it take me? These aren't questions I was preoccupied with when I was moving. I was more focused on the present. On the new places and people surrounding me daily. Now that I have a solid base of operation, and a place with people I am familiar with I am finding myself asking the same questions that I was in the states. Namely, Where am I going, where do I want to go, and am I doing everything I can to get there? I feel like every time I slow down or stop these questions resurface, and i start to think of what's next. the uncertainty can be unsettling at times, but it is simultaneously liberating if you look at it right.
When I was in Utah i was so frustrated I didn't know my future. I felt like I should know what I want to do. I felt like I was slipping behind those around me, especially from Williams who were well on their career paths. I was sitting there uncertain. My whole life, I have been told I can do whatever I want, and when I came back to Williams I really lived by that. I began to study the things that truly interested me, and enjoyed myself. I started to live life on my terms and I didn't know where that was going to take me. The freedom was intoxicating. This uncertainty that I am talking about has been both a blessing and a curse to me. We can do anything we want in this life, it's just hard to see how sometimes. When we make that realization, however, we are finally presented with something that many of us yearn for. freedom. True freedom. not the cheap bullshit they sell you in beer commercials, but the freedom to be who you want to be. To do as much or as little as you desire. the freedom to choose who you are.
This comes at a cost though, and that cost is accountability. When you see that you can do anything, you also realize the choice is yours and yours alone. This was and is hard for me. With so many choices laid out in front of me, how can I be sure I'm making the right one? How can I be sure that there wasn't something else I should do? could do? It is very easy to become overwhelmed and frozen in the face of freedom. To second guess, third guess myself. To feel the pressure of getting it right. With so many opportunities, who am I to squander what so many would work so hard for? The pressure is daunting. This is where faith comes in. For me, it comes down to faith in myself. For many of my friends it is faith in God or the universe or logic, but the key is that it comes down to faith. faith that the right thing is happening and the right thing will happen for you. I require faith in my own moral code and direction to feel like I am on the right path of the many available to me. This faith is shaken from time to time and requires constant analysis and vigilance to bolster it. This provides me with strength and weakness. When I question my path and position, it becomes hard to be confident in what I am doing. But when I know I am right I know I have found that choice through solid analysis and I am steadfast in my position. A big part of this strength comes from examining as many options available to me as possible before making my choices to see what does and does not work. If you had said that I would be spending my birthday in a foreign country with mostly people I don't know recovering from surgery I would have been surprised a yer ago. But I'm sure as hell glad I am, because I needed to see this path. Now I have to decide if I'll stay on it.
Love to see you blog again :) I think, everyone's path is a combination of choice and chance... you chose NZ, then, by chance, it has happened differently than you had planned. The key is making the best of where you are at the time, learning the lessons provided by life and moving on with gratitude, determination and wonder. I am a bit jealous of your journey, and proud :)
ReplyDeleteBen. You put into words so beautifully what so many of us grapple with day to day. I am sending you good vibes to heal quickly and enjoy your time to reflect. I am not surprised that you have connected with so many people along your journey including strangers who offer you food, shelter and friendship. Connecting with people is one of your many gifts. Take care of yourself. xo Janny
ReplyDelete